Sunday, September 22, 2002

US GOVERNMENT RESPONDS TO ACCUSATIONS OF "CHICKEN HAWK" DECISIONMAKING

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming. This briefing will only take a few minutes of your time. There will be a brief question period after.

Recently there have been criticisms of war policy being set by Members of Congress who do not have children in the Armed Services, and therefore have no business making decisions that might result in other people’s children going off to war. The Government has decided that these arguments have merit, and is prepared to resolve the question.

In response to these legitimate concerns, the President and Joint Chiefs of Staff would like to announce the return of conscription, to be applied only to the children of Members of Congress. In this way, we can ensure all decisions made that involve the disposition of forces will only be made by people with a stake in the outcome, albeit one generation removed.

Fortunately, it will only be necessary to impose the draft on the children of all Federal representatives, regardless of Party affiliation. These recruits will be constituted the Children’s Army. In practice, due to the relative size of Congress, we will refer herein to the Children’s Company.

Here are the new guidelines:
· All draftees will be required to serve, if qualified, in front-line fighting units, warships or fighter plane squadrons. Regardless of talent or training, all draftees must face the risk of actual death in combat.

· Since we cannot compromise the standards of the fighting units, any personnel that do not qualify for combat will be classified CH-1 (chicken hawk, first grade), and their parents removed from Cabinet level responsibilities upon notification. This will of course apply across the board to those Representatives unfortunate to have only girls, or children too young, fat, stupid, clumsy or otherwise unfit to serve.

· Candidates wishing to stand for office who have no children will be required to produce proof of fertility prior to standing. Upon election they will have a limited time to produce a child, or adopt one. Failure to comply will mean disqualification and expulsion.

· It will not be permitted for ambitious politicians to falsify the age, gender, mental capacity or physical ability of their children, in order to increase the chances of combat status and through it, Ministerial rank.

· To ensure Candidates and Members have something to lose, they will be required to demonstrate a minimum level of affection and regard for their potential draftee child. Receipts for gifts and video evidence of attendance at birthday parties will be sufficient. In the event of a dispute or challenge by an opponent, candidates will sit an informal knowledge test, answering questions about child’s middle name, deceased pets, marital status and sexual orientation.

· Cabdidates without children because of infertility will not be permitted to stand for election. Candidates choosing not to have children based on environmental concerns will be classified as Conscientious Objectors, and will be permitted to make decisions on first aid, hospital placement, and medical supplies.

· Independent, minor party or homosexual candidates may stand provided they undertake never form a Coalition with the party in Government, or exercise any real influence.

· Under the two-party system, serving children of Opposition and Government Representatives will be kept on ready alert, depending on who is in power.

· If multiple commitments are deemed necessary, the Children’s Company will be formed into cadres, and salted into front-line units in various trouble spots.

· Upon outbreak of hostilities, the Children’s Company will be the first to be sent fight. We cannot take the chance of peace breaking out before they face death or injury. The attack will take place prior to the commencement of any air war, naval or artillery bombardment that may risk breaking the enemy morale too early.

· Should any member of Children’s Company be killed, their parent will retire from politics immediately on notification of death. Parents of injured soldiers may excuse themselves from all votes until their offspring is fit enough to rejoin the battle.

· Childless Representatives willing to foreswear any promotion above entry rank may be permitted to substitute a nephew, stepson or adopted Third World child in place of immediate offspring. This will suffice in the event of rapid, unsought promotion.

· The term of enlistment in Children’s Company is limited to their parent’s term of office. Any recruit whose parent is defeated in an election will be stood down immediately on final declaration of the poll. Recruits found to have injured, slandered or killed their parents in order to avoid service will be expelled from the Company, and never permitted to serve.

· Candidates, or serving Members of Congress whose children are ineligible to serve, will not be permitted to solicit for adoption within serving combat units.

The US Government will be raising the possibility of other nations implementing what we see as the future of politics. Our Allies that feel themselves qualified to veto US foreign policy, despite their absence of American citizenship, may be permitted to donate their children to the Children’s Army, and become eligible for input and consultation. Our enemies through the years have already demonstrated their acceptance of the scheme, although their practice of drafting anyone but the children of the ruling elite will have to be substantially modified.

I hope you join me in wishing the future members of the Children’s Army all the luck in the world. Thank you for your time. Are there any questions?

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